title: Siblings Facing Alzheimer's: Managing Family Conflicts, Rivalries, Unequal Responsibilities
description: Complete guide siblings conflict Alzheimer's parent: distribute caregiver burden, manage care disagreements, rivalries, resentments, guilt, overwhelmed main caregiver, absent siblings, inheritance tensions, family communication, sibling mediation, and preserve bonds.
keywords: siblings Alzheimer's, family conflicts, siblings, main caregiver, unequal burden, rivalries, mediation, care disagreements, sick parent
[/META]
Alzheimer's, siblings, conflicts, brothers, sisters, family, main caregiver, burden, rivalries, mediation, communication
[/TAGS]
Reading time: 32 minutes
"It's always me handling everything!" "Why do you never come?" "You have nothing to say, you don't see Dad as he really is!" "I work, I can't drop everything!" "You've always been his favorite, of course, you take care of him!"
A parent's Alzheimer's reveals family flaws. Siblings, who may have had a cordial relationship, suddenly find themselves in open conflict: one is overwhelmed, the other absent, decisions diverge, old resentments resurface. The main caregiver (often a daughter) bears the brunt, while others minimize, criticize from afar, or disappear. Family meetings turn into battlegrounds. The complaints fly. Old grudges (childhood, parental preferences, anticipated inheritances) mix with the current exhaustion.
Yet, family unity is precious: it distributes the burden, supports the parent, preserves bonds. How to get out of conflicts, establish fair dialogue, distribute tasks, and move forward together despite differences?
Table of Contents
1. Why Siblings Come Into Conflict
2. Types of Frequent Conflicts
3. The Main Caregiver: Overload and Resentment
4. Absent Siblings: Understand and React
5. Disagreements on Care and Decisions
6. Managing Old Rivalries and Resentments
7. Communication: Keys to Family Dialogue
8. Equitably Distribute the Burden
Why Siblings Come Into Conflict {#why-conflicts}
Stress and Exhaustion
Illness = Pressure
Main Caregiver
Exhausted, at the end (needs help).
Others
Underestimate burden (do not see daily life).
Tensions
Fatigue makes irritable (conflicts erupt).
Unequal Distribution
Geographical Proximity
One lives close
Becomes caregiver by default.
Others far
Contribute less (normal? Unjust?).
Availability
One unemployed/retired
Expected to do more.
Others work
Argument "I can't."
Resentment
The one who does everything (overburdened), others (guilty or indifferent).
Family History
Parental Preferences
Parent preferred one child
Resentment resurfaces ("Always him/her the favorite!").
Expectations
"She was the favorite, it's normal for her to take care" (unjust).
Childhood Rivalries
Old Jealousies: Reactivated (Alzheimer's stress).
Competition: Who does better? Who is the better child?
Personality Differences
Divergent Approaches
One pragmatic
"He needs a nursing home."
Another emotional
"Never! He stays home!"
Conflict
Each thinks they're right (stalemate).
Denial and Acceptance
Different Stages of Grief
One accepted illness
Organizes, acts.
Another in denial
"It's okay, it's exaggerated."
Tension
The one who accepts (frustrated by denial), the one in denial (annoyed by "dramatization").
Types of Frequent Conflicts {#types-conflicts}
Unequal Burden
Scenario:
Eldest Daughter (lives in the same city as parent): Handles everything (shopping, appointments, daily care).
Brother (lives 200 km away): Visits once a month, calls.
Youngest Sister (abroad): Occasionally calls, sends money.
Conflict
Eldest
"I'm cracking, you do nothing!"
Brother
"I come when I can, I have work, family."
Youngest
"I'm far away, what else to do?"
Disagreements on Decisions
Treatments:
One wants to try medication (even if benefits are limited).
Another refuses: "Useless, side effects."
Nursing Home:
One thinks it's time (safety, care).
Another categorical: "Never, he stays home."
Money:
One wants to hire help (ease the burden).
Another: "Too expensive, we'll manage ourselves."
Stalemate: No consensus (decisions delayed, tensions).
Reproaches and Accusations
Criticism
"You're doing it wrong!"
The one who does little criticizes the one doing everything.
"You're exaggerating the severity."
Minimizes illness.
"You want to put in a nursing home for inheritance."
Money accusation (hurtful).
Defense
Main Caregiver
"Come do it yourself, you'll see!"
Escalation
Mutual reproaches (communication breakdown).
Manipulations and Alliances
Coalitions:
Two siblings ally against the third.
Divisions
Family divided (opposing sides).
Parent Manipulation
Parent (still partially lucid)
Plays siblings ("Your brother never comes, you are kind").
Rivalry
Children compete for affection.
Anticipated Inheritance
Money Tensions
One fears
The other takes parent's money, assets.
Suspicions
"Are you emptying the bank account?"
Future Conflicts
Inheritance already a source of disputes before death.
The Main Caregiver: Overload and Resentment {#main-caregiver}
Who Becomes Main Caregiver?
Often:
Daughter (statistically more than son).
Single/childless (availability).
Lives nearby (geography).
Family expectations: "It's normal that you take care" (often unspoken).
Daily Burden
Tasks
Care
Bathing, medication, meals.
Logistics
Shopping, appointments, paperwork.
Monitoring
24/7 (exausting).
Emotional: Watching parent decline (painful).
Time: Personal life sacrificed (work, leisure, friends).
Exhaustion and Resentment
Fatigue
Physical
Interrupted nights, carrying loads.
Psychological
Stress, depression, burnout.
Resentment
Towards siblings
"They do nothing, I'm killing myself."
Towards parent
"I love you but I can't take it anymore" (guilt).
Isolation
No time for social life (cut off from the world).
Unspoken Expectations
Caregiver thinks:
"Obvious that I need help."
"They should offer."
Siblings think:
"She manages, she's used to it."
"If she needs, she'll say."
Problem: Communication = Zero (unstated expectations, unoffered help).
Explosion
Breaking point:
Caregiver cracks: Crisis tears, anger (family meeting).
"I'm stopping everything! Handle it yourselves!"
Siblings: Shocked (didn't realize the extent).
Too late?: Deep-rooted resentment (hard to repair).
Absent Siblings: Understand and React {#absentees}
Why Are They Absent?
Legitimate Reasons
Geographical distance
Far away (complicated to come).
Obligations
Demanding job, young children.
Health
Own issues (limited capacity).
Problematic Reasons
Denial
Doesn't want to see reality.
Avoidance
Too painful (avoids).
Indifference
Selfishness, other priorities.
Parent's Resentment: Complicated relationship (distances willingly).
Impact on Main Caregiver
Feelings
Abandonment
"Alone facing this."
Injustice
"Why me all?"
Anger
"They don't care."
Guilt: Even in anger, feels guilty for feeling that (family).
Communication
Express needs
Don't accuse
"You do nothing!" (closes dialogue).
Say clearly
"I need concrete help. Can you [specific action]?"
Examples
"Can you come watch Mom Saturday afternoon? I need a break."
"Can you handle making the physio appointment? I'm overwhelmed."
"Send 100€/month for household help?"
Responsibilization
Involve
Decisions
Include (even if far) in important choices.
Information
Keep updated (regularly).
Remote tasks
Researches (financial aids, nursing home options), administrative calls.
Visits: Set dates (commitments).
Acceptance Limitations
Some will not come
Reality
Cannot control everything.
Accept
Save energy (focus on those who help).
Letting go
Don't expect a miracle (protect mental health).
Disagreements on Care and Decisions {#care-disagreements}
Sources of Disagreements
Different Visions:
Home care vs Nursing Home:
- One: "Stays home, it's his place."
- Another: "Home dangerous, secure nursing home."
- One: "All available medications."
- Another: "Side effects, quality of life priority."
- One: "Activities, outings (maintain social link)."
- Another: "Fatigue, rest better."
Treatments:
Stimulation:
Absence of Information
One handles daily
Sees reality (decline, dangers).
Others visit occasionally
Parent "good day" (false impression).
Gap
Opposing perceptions (each thinks they're right).
Emotion vs Pragmatism
One emotionally attached
Decisions heart ("Promised never nursing home").
Another pragmatic
Decisions head ("Safety before feelings").
Conflict
Logic vs love (hard to reconcile).
Resolving Disagreements
Family Meeting
Everyone present
Talk (no unilateral decisions).
Doctor present
Expert advice (neutral).
Shared information
Show reality
Notebook (incidents, forgetfulness, dangers).
Home visit
Those far see real conditions.
Compromise
Trial period
"Let's test home care for 3 months with help. Re-evaluate."
Intermediate solution: Day care, 24/7 help.
Voting: If stalemate, majority decision (or guardian if appointed).
Managing Old Rivalries and Resentments {#rivalries}
Old Wounds
Childhood
Parental Preferences
"Dad always preferred you."
Perceived Injustices
"You had paid education, not me."
Jealousies
Successes, appearances, relationships.
Reactivation
Alzheimer's Stress
Wakes up buried pains.
Resurface
Old reproaches (unrelated to current issue).
Affection Competition
Who is the better child?
One does more
Thinks deserves recognition.
Another
Feels judged ("I do what I can!").
Parent
May express preferences (hurts).
Toxic rivalry: Forgets the goal = Help parent (not win competition).
Money and Inheritance
Tensions
One fears
Another takes advantage (parent's money).
Suspicions
"Are you taking from their account?"
Inheritance anticipation
Disputes before death (sordid).
Solution
Transparency
Common accounts (expense visibility).
Notary
Supervised (avoid malfeasance).
Focus on present
"We'll talk inheritance later. Now, help Dad."
Letting Go of the Past
Focus on present
Past = Past
Changes nothing (useless to rehash).
Now matters
Parent needs help (unite).
Forgive
Don't forget
But relegate to the background.
Move forward
For parent (not for siblings, but for him/her).
Therapy
If resentments too strong
Consult a psychologist (help untangle).
Communication: Keys to Family Dialogue {#communication}
Establish Rules
Regular Meetings
Frequency
Once a month (or more if needed).
Format
Video call if far, in person if possible.
Agenda
Prepared (focus on efficiency).
Respect:
Don't interrupt.
No insults, personal attacks.
Really listen to others.
Use "I" Instead of "You"
"You" accusatory
"You never do anything!"
"You don't care!"
"I" expresses feeling
"I feel overwhelmed, I need help."
"I am exhausted, can you take over this weekend?"
Effect
Less aggressive, fosters empathy.
Clarify Expectations
Explain needs
Don't assume
"He should know."
Say
"I expect you to come once a week" or "Handle this task."
Precise
"Can you do the shopping Saturday?" (not vague "help me").
Avoid Reproaches
Past = Past
Rehash
"6 months ago you didn't come..." (useless).
Focus on present
"Now, how do we organize?"
Constructive
Not: "You're useless."
But: "How to improve the situation?"
Acknowledge Contributions
Even small ones
Thanks
"Thanks for calling Mom this week."
Value
Encourages continuation.
Balance
Not just criticism (also positive).
Neutral Mediation
If dialogue impossible
Third party
Social worker, family mediator, psychologist.
Role
Facilitates communication (without judgment).
Defuses
Tensions (safe speech space).
Equitably Distribute the Burden {#distribute-burden}
Task Inventory
List everything
Daily care
Bathing, meals, medications.
Logistics
Shopping, appointments, transportation.
Administrative tasks
Paperwork, financial aid, insurance.
Monitoring
Presence, safety.
Emotional
Company, listening.
Visibility
Table (all tasks = Real burden).
Distribution According to Capabilities
Proximity
Lives nearby
Frequent tasks (shopping, visits).
Far away
Remote tasks (administrative, research).
Availability
Part-time/retired
+ presence.
Full-time work
Occasional tasks (weekends).
Skills
Good with paperwork
Handles documents.
Another good cook
Prepares meals (freezes).
Health
Physical limitations
Adapted tasks (no heavy lifting).
Shared Planning
Tools
Google Calendar
Shared (visits, appointments).
WhatsApp group
Communication (emergencies, info).
Excel table
Who does what, when.
Clarity: Everyone knows role (no confusion).
Financial Contributions
If one can't spend time
Contributes money
Household help, care, equipment.
Equitable
According to income.
Acknowledgment
Contribution = Also valid (eases main caregiver).
Main Caregiver Rotation
Avoid burnout of one person
Alternation
Weekends, weeks (if possible).
Regular respite
Main caregiver = Break (essential for health).
Flexibility
Adjust according to disease progression.
Mediation and External Help {#mediation}
When to Resort to Mediation?
Blocked Conflicts
Broken Communication
No more dialogue.
Impossible Decisions
Total stalemate.
Verbal Violence
Insults, threats.
Exclusion: A family member excluded (decisions made without them).
Family Mediator
Role
Neutral
Not a judge, facilitates.
Listen
Each party (without judgment).
Solutions
Help find compromise.
Where to find?
Mediation services
City halls, CAF.
Associations
France Mediation, APMF.
Consultation
60-120€/session (sometimes free depending on income).
Social Worker
Evaluates situation
Parent's needs
Material, financial aid.
Caregiver's burden
Proposes solutions (respite, aid).
Advice
Directs to resources.
Contact
CCAS
Communal social action center.
Hospital
Social service.
Family Psychologist
If deep resentments
Family therapy
Unties emotional knots.
Speech space
Releases unsaid (tensions).
Reconstruction
Sibling bonds (if possible).
Guardian/Curator
If parent incapable of decisions
Protection measure
Judge appoints guardian.
Decisions
Guardian decides (avoids sibling conflicts).
Advantage
Relieves family (heavy decisions).
Disadvantage: External third party (less control).
Preserving Bonds Despite Everything {#preserve-bonds}
Accept Differences
Each handles their way:
One cries (emotional).
Another pragmatic (cold appearance).
Respect: Don't judge (accept differences).
Focus on Common Goal
Parent = Priority
Beyond disputes
Unite for him/her.
Reminder
"We're doing this for Dad/Mom" (refocus).
Celebrate Small Victories
Positive moments
Parent laughs
Enjoy together.
Successful organization
"We managed the appointments well."
Strengthens
Siblings bond (share beautiful moments, not just conflicts).
Maintain Rituals
Despite illness
Family meals
Continue (if possible).
Holidays
Birthdays, Christmas (adapt).
Memories
Look at photos, recount stories.
Bonds: Remember we are family (before, during, after Alzheimer's).
Forgiveness and Reconciliation
If a break
Reach out
"I regret what was said."
No eternal grudge
Life short (don't waste it).
Compromise
No perfect agreement, but possible cohabitation.
Prepare for After
Parent will leave
You will remain
Siblings.
Avoid regrets
"If only we had talked."
Act now
Preserve bond (for future).
Testimonies
Sophie and her Brothers
"Mom's Alzheimer's = War among us. Me overwhelmed, my brothers absent. Stormy family meeting: I broke down, cried, yelled. They shocked, unaware of the extent. We organized: Each takes 1 weekend/month, brother far away pays help. Not perfect, but better. We talk."
Marc and his Sister
"My sister wanted a nursing home, I was categorically no. Conflict for 6 months, no more talking. Mediator helped: We really listened (first time). Compromise: Home care with 24/7 help, re-evaluation in 6 months. We talk again. The disease could have destroyed us, ultimately brought us closer (difficultly)."
Claire and her brother
"My brother disappeared after diagnosis. Immense anger. 2 years of silence. Called him: 'I need you.' He admitted fear, not knowing what to do. Started from scratch: Small tasks (shopping once a week). Now present. Not a hero, but there. Enough."
Conclusion: Siblings Facing Alzheimer's, Between Conflicts and Solidarity
A parent's Alzheimer's tests siblings. Conflicts erupt, resentments resurface, burdens tip the scales. Yet, within this ordeal lies an opportunity: to reconnect, to truly engage, to mend old wounds. Some bonds break, others strengthen. The priority remains the parent, and your own health. If siblings unite, it's a precious support. If they remain divided, accept the limits, protect yourself, move forward with those who stay. Sibling love isn't always up to par, but trying is better than breaking forever.
Keys to managing family conflicts:
1. ✅ Communicate clearly (no implicit expectations)
2. ✅ Equitably distribute burden (according to capacities)
3. ✅ Express needs ("I" rather than "You")
4. ✅ Accept differences (everyone handles in their way)
5. ✅ Resort to mediation (if a blockade)
6. ✅ Focus on common goal (parent)
7. ✅ Preserve relationships (for after)
You are not alone. Our Alzheimer's training helps families manage conflicts. EDITH eases the caregiver (parent stimulation). Free guide: All resources.
DYNSEO Resources to Support You:
During the family meeting, voices rise. Reproaches fly. You are exhausted, your brother on the defensive, your sister in tears. Then, a silence. Someone says, "We do this for Dad." Glances meet. Words soften. We don't always love each other, but we unite for him. And in this fragile moment, the siblings find meaning again.