Harassment and Tensions at School: How It Leads to Dropping Out

School: A Social Space as Much as an Academic One

We sometimes forget that school is not just a place of learning. It is also, and perhaps especially for children, a social living space where fundamental issues are at play.

The Need for Belonging

Human beings are social animals. From a very young age, the need to belong to a group, to be accepted by peers, to have friends is fundamental. This need is particularly intense during childhood and adolescence.

A child who feels rejected, excluded, or different suffers deeply. This suffering can be as debilitating as physical pain: neuroscience studies show that social rejection activates the same brain areas as physical pain.

Identity Construction

At school, children construct their identity through interaction with others. The gaze of peers reflects an image of themselves that profoundly influences their self-esteem.

A child who is regularly mocked, criticized, or belittled ends up internalizing these negative judgments. They see themselves as others see them, which can have lasting consequences on their self-confidence.

Impact on Learning

When a child's energy is mobilized to survive socially, manage the stress of interactions, avoid conflicts, or simply "hold on," they have few resources left for learning.

A child who goes to school with a knot in their stomach, who constantly monitors their environment, who dreads recess cannot concentrate on lessons. Their results suffer, which can create a negative spiral.

Different Forms of Relational Distress

Relational difficulties at school are not limited to harassment. They can take multiple forms.

School Harassment

Harassment is defined by repeated aggression in a context of power imbalance between the aggressor and the victim. It can be physical (hitting, shoving), verbal (insults, mockery, threats), or relational (exclusion, rumors, manipulation).

Cyberbullying, which continues through screens, is particularly destructive because it gives the victim no respite, even at home.

In France, approximately 10% of students are victims of harassment. This figure may seem abstract, but it means that in every classroom, several children suffer in silence.

Exclusion and Rejection

Without reaching the level of harassment, simply being excluded from the group can be very painful. A child who is never chosen for teams, who is not invited to birthday parties, who finds themselves alone in the cafeteria experiences a form of social invisibility that profoundly affects their well-being.

Conflicts with Classmates

Disputes between children are normal and part of learning social life. But when conflicts become frequent or intense, when they are not resolved, they can make school unbearable.

Some children have more difficulty than others managing social relationships, decoding the implicit codes of the group, resolving conflicts constructively. These difficulties may be related to a lack of social skills or specific disorders (autism spectrum disorder, ADHD...).

Difficult Relationships with Teachers

The relationship with the teacher plays a crucial role in the child's relationship with school. A child who feels misunderstood, unfairly treated, or humiliated by a teacher can develop an aversion to school as a whole.

These relational difficulties may be related to a "bad match" between the teacher's style and the child's needs, or to actual inappropriate behavior on the part of the adult.

The Path to Dropping Out

How do relational difficulties lead to dropping out? The process generally follows a trajectory in several stages.

Avoidance

The first reaction to a painful situation is often avoidance. The child first tries to avoid the most difficult situations: they stay on the sidelines at recess, avoid certain places, ask to change seats in class.

Gradually, avoidance can expand: the child refuses certain activities, asks to stay home, multiplies excuses not to go to school.

Somatization

When avoidance is not possible, the body takes over. Morning stomach aches, headaches, nausea are signals that the body sends to express distress that words cannot convey.

These physical symptoms, although psychological in origin, are real and painful. They sometimes allow the child to obtain what they seek: to stay home, away from school.

Disengagement

A child who can neither avoid school nor manage to escape it can protect themselves by disengaging psychologically. They are physically present but mentally absent. They no longer participate, no longer listen, no longer do their homework.

This disengagement is a form of protection: if school doesn't matter to me, it can't hurt me.

The Break

Dropping out properly occurs when the child completely stops going to school. This break can be gradual (increasingly frequent absences) or sudden (categorical refusal overnight).

In cases of school phobia, the child is physically unable to go to school. The anxiety is so intense that it causes debilitating symptoms: panic attacks, paralysis, vomiting.

Recognizing Warning Signs

How do you know if your child is experiencing relational difficulties at school? Certain signs should alert you.

Behavioral Changes

Be attentive to any change in your child's usual behavior. A sociable child who becomes solitary, a cheerful child who becomes sad, a confident child who becomes anxious: these changes deserve attention.

The child may also become irritable, aggressive, or conversely withdraw into themselves. They may regress to more infantile behaviors (thumb sucking, bedwetting...).

Relationship with School

Observe how your child talks about school. Sudden disinterest, repeated negative comments, refusal to discuss their day can be signals.

Multiplying absences and tardiness, belongings that disappear or are damaged, repeated requests to stay home are also concerning.

Physical Symptoms

Stomach aches, headaches, sleep disorders, weight loss or gain, unexplained fatigue can be physical manifestations of distress.

These symptoms tend to appear or intensify on school days and diminish during vacations.

Isolation

A child who no longer has friends, who is never invited, who spends recess alone is probably experiencing a form of exclusion. The absence of contact with classmates outside of school (no messages, no calls, no outings) is a warning signal.

Direct Signs

Sometimes, the child gives more direct clues. Dark or violent drawings, remarks like "nobody likes me" or "I want to disappear," questions about death should be taken very seriously.

How to Act?

If you suspect your child is experiencing relational difficulties at school, several actions are possible.

Opening Dialogue

The first step is to create a safe space for communication. Choose a calm moment, without pressure. Ask open-ended questions: "How are things going with the other students?", "Are there difficult moments at school?", "Is there something that scares you or makes you sad?"

Listen without interrupting, without minimizing, without immediately proposing solutions. Validate your child's emotions: "I understand that this is hard for you."

Some children have difficulty speaking directly. Drawing, puppets, stories to tell can be indirect ways of expressing what they are experiencing.

Contacting the School

Once you have identified a problem, contact the school. Request a meeting with the main teacher, principal, or student life coordinator. Present your observations without accusing, seeking to understand and find solutions together.

The school has an obligation to protect students. In cases of proven harassment, procedures exist: sanctions against aggressors, establishment of a monitoring cell, support for the victim.

Supporting Your Child

Your support is essential. Reassure your child: it's not their fault, they have the right to be protected, you are there for them.

Help them develop their social skills and self-confidence. Extracurricular activities can allow them to make friends outside the school context and develop skills that strengthen self-esteem.

Managing Anxiety

Relational difficulties often generate significant anxiety. Stress management techniques can help your child cope: breathing, relaxation, grounding.

The training "Supporting an Anxious Child: Rituals, Breathing, Grounding" by DYNSEO offers concrete tools to calm anxiety on a daily basis.

Consulting When Necessary

In serious situations (proven harassment, school phobia, signs of depression), professional care is necessary. Psychologist, child psychiatrist: these professionals can help your child get through this ordeal and rebuild their confidence.

Preventing Dropping Out

Relational difficulties can lead to dropping out if they are not addressed. It is crucial to act at the first signs.

Maintaining Connection with School

Even when school becomes a source of suffering, it is important to maintain a minimum connection. Prolonged dropping out makes returning increasingly difficult.

If your child cannot go to school temporarily, explore alternatives: adjustment of school schedule, partial schooling, home schooling.

Preserving the Joy of Learning

School is not the only place of learning. Preserve your child's joy of learning through playful and pressure-free activities.

The programs COCO THINKS and COCO MOVES for ages 5-10 and CLINT for older children allow for maintaining positive cognitive training outside the school context. The "calm mode" of COCO is particularly suitable for anxious children.

Training to Better Support

The training "Preventing School Dropout: Guidelines and Simple Tools" by DYNSEO gives you keys to understand the mechanisms of dropping out and act effectively. You will learn to identify warning signals and implement appropriate strategies.

Resources and Useful Numbers

In case of school harassment, several resources are available.

The national number against harassment is 3020, free and anonymous. For cyberbullying, the Net Écoute number is 3018. The e-Enfance association offers online help on its website.

Do not hesitate to use these resources, for yourself or for your child.

Conclusion: Breaking the Silence

Relational difficulties at school are a major cause of suffering and dropping out. Too often, they remain invisible because children do not dare to talk about them or cannot find the words to do so.

As a parent, your vigilance is precious. By observing the signals, opening dialogue, intervening when necessary, you can protect your child and allow them to regain a serene relationship with school.

DYNSEO supports you in this process with its training programs and adapted programs. Because every child deserves to feel safe at school and to be able to learn in good conditions.

• Training: Preventing School Dropout

• Training: Supporting an Anxious Child

• COCO THINKS and COCO MOVES Program (5-10 years)

• CLINT Program, the brain coach