title: Siblings Facing Alzheimer’s’s: Managing Family Conflicts, Rivalries, Unequal Burdens
description: Comprehensive guide sibling conflicts Alzheimer’s’s parent: distributing caregiver burden, managing care disagreements, rivalries, resentments, guilt, overloaded primary caregiver, absent siblings, inheritance tensions, family communication, sibling mediation, and preserving bonds.
keywords: siblings Alzheimer’s’s, family conflicts, sibling, primary caregiver, unequal burden, rivalries, mediation, care disagreements, sick parent
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Alzheimer’s’s, siblings, conflicts, brothers, sisters, family, primary caregiver, burden, rivalries, mediation, communication
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Reading time: 32 minutes
“It’s always me who manages everything!” “Why do you never come?” “You have nothing to say, you don’t see Dad as he really is!” “I work, I can’t drop everything!” “You were always his favorite, of course you take care of him!”
A parent’s Alzheimer’s’s reveals family flaws. Siblings, who may have had a cordial relationship, suddenly find themselves in open conflict: one is overwhelmed, the other absent, decisions diverge, old resentments resurface. The primary caregiver (often a daughter) bears the burden alone, while others minimize, criticize from afar, or disappear. Family gatherings become battlefields. Accusations fly. Old grievances (childhood, parental preferences, anticipated inheritances) mix with current exhaustion.
Yet, family unity is precious: it distributes the burden, supports the parent, preserves bonds. How to resolve conflicts, establish fair dialogue, distribute tasks, and move forward together despite differences?
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Table of Contents
1. Why Siblings Enter Conflict
3. The Primary Caregiver: Overload and Resentment
4. Absent Brothers and Sisters: Understanding and Reacting
5. Disagreements on Care and Decisions
6. Managing Rivalries and Old Resentments
7. Communication: Keys to Family Dialogue
8. Equitably Distributing the Burden
10. Preserving Bonds Despite Everything
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Why Siblings Enter Conflict {#pourquoi-conflits}
Stress and Exhaustion
Illness = Pressure:
Primary Caregiver: Exhausted, at their wit’s end (needs help).
Others: Underestimate the burden (do not see the daily reality).
Tensions: Fatigue makes irritable (conflicts erupt).
Unequal Distribution
Geographical Proximity:
One lives nearby: Becomes caregiver by default.
Others far away: Contribute less (normal? Unfair?).
Availability:
One unemployed/retired: Expects to do more.
Others working: Argument “I can’t do it.”
Resentment: The one doing everything (overwhelmed), others (guilty or indifferent).
Family History
Parental Preferences:
Parent preferred one child: Resentment resurfaces (“Always him/her the favorite!”).
Expectations: “She was the favorite, of course she takes care” (unfair).
Childhood Rivalries:
Old jealousies: Reactivated (Alzheimer’s’s stress).
Competition: Who does better? Who is the better child?
Personality Differences
Divergent Approaches:
One pragmatic: “We need a nursing home.”
Other emotional: “Never! He stays home!”
Conflict: Each thinks they are right (impasse).
Denial and Acceptance
Different Stages of Grief:
One accepted the illness: Organizes, acts.
Other in denial: “It’s fine, it’s exaggerated.”
Tension: The one who accepts (frustrated by denial), the one in denial (annoyed by “dramatization”).
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Common Types of Conflicts {#types-conflits}
Unequal Burden
Scenario:
Older daughter (lives in the same city as parent): Manages everything (shopping, appointments, daily care).
Brother (lives 200 km away): Visits once a month, calls.
Younger sister (abroad): Calls sometimes, sends money.
Conflict:
Older sister: “I’m cracking, you do nothing!”
Brother: “I come when I can, I have work, family.”
Younger sister: “I’m far, what else can I do?”
Disagreements on Decisions
Treatments:
One wants to try medications (even limited effects).
Other refuses: “Unnecessary, side effects.”
Nursing Home:
One thinks it’s time (safety, care).
Other categorical: “Never, he stays home.”
Money :
One wants to hire help (relieve).
Other : “Too expensive, we manage ourselves.”
Blocking : No consensus (decisions delayed, tensions).
Reproaches and accusations
Critiques :
“You are doing it wrong!” : The one who does little criticizes the one who does everything.
“You exaggerate the seriousness.” : Minimizes illness.
“You want to put in a Nursing home for inheritance.” : Accusation of money (hurtful).
Defense :
Main caregiver : “Come do it yourself, you’ll see!”
Escalation : Mutual reproaches (breakdown of communication).
Manipulations and alliances
Coalitions :
Two brothers/sisters ally against the third.
Divisions : Family split (opposing camps).
Parental manipulation :
Parent (still partially lucid) : Plays siblings (“Your brother never comes, you are nice”).
Rivalry : Children compete for affection.
Anticipated inheritance
Money tensions :
One fears : The other appropriates money, parent’s assets.
Suspicions : “Are you emptying the bank account?”
Future conflicts : Inheritance already a source of disputes before death.
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The main caregiver: overload and resentment {#aidant-principal}
Who becomes the main caregiver?
Often :
Daughter (statistically more than son).
Single/without children (availability).
Lives nearby (geography).
Family expectations : “It’s normal for you to take care” (often unspoken).
Daily burden
Tasks :
Care : Hygiene, medications, meals.
Logistics : Shopping, appointments, administration.
Monitoring : 24/7 (exhausting).
Emotional : Watching parent decline (pain).
Time : Personal life sacrificed (work, leisure, friends).
Exhaustion and resentment
Fatigue :
Physical : Interrupted nights, carrying loads.
Psychological : Stress, depression, burnout.
Resentment :
Towards siblings : “They do nothing, I’m killing myself.”
Towards parent : “I love you but I can’t take it anymore” (guilt).
Isolation : No more time for social life (cut off from the world).
Unexpressed expectations
Caregiver thinks :
“It’s obvious that help is needed.”
“They should offer.”
Siblings think :
“She manages, she is used to it.”
“If needed, she will say.”
Problem : Communication = Zero (unspoken expectations, help not offered).
Explosion
Breaking point :
Caregiver cracks : Crisis of tears, anger (family meeting).
“I’m stopping everything! Figure it out yourselves!”
Siblings : Shocked (didn’t know the extent).
Too late? : Deep-seated resentment (hard to repair).
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The absent siblings: understanding and reacting {#absents}
Why are they absent?
Legitimate reasons :
Geographic distance : Far away (complicated to come).
Obligations : Demanding job, young children.
Health : Own problems (limits capacities).
Problematic reasons :
Denial : Does not want to see reality.
Avoidance : Too painful (runs away).
Indifference : Selfishness, priorities elsewhere.
Resentment towards parent : Complicated relationship (deliberately distances).
Impact on the main caregiver
Feelings :
Abandonment : “Alone facing this.”
Injustice : “Why me for everything?”
Anger : “They don’t care.”
Guilt : Even when angry, feels guilty for feeling this way (family).
Communication
Express needs :
Do not accuse : “You do nothing!” (shuts down dialogue).
Say clearly : “I need concrete help. Can you [action précise]?”
Examples :
“Can you come watch Mom Saturday afternoon? I need a break.”
“Can you handle making the physiotherapy appointment? I’m overwhelmed.”
“Send 100€/month for cleaning help?”
Empowerment
Involve :
Decisions : Include (even from afar) in important choices.
Information : Keep informed (regularly).
Distance tasks : Research (financial aid, nursing home options), administrative calls.
Visits : Set dates (commitments).
Acceptance of limits
Some will not come :
Reality : Cannot control everything.
Accept : Save energy (focus on those who help).
Let go : Do not expect a miracle (protects mental health).
—
Disagreements on care and decisions {#desaccords-soins}
Sources of disagreements
Different visions :
Staying at home vs Nursing home :
- One: “Stays home, it’s his/her place.”
- Other: “Dangerous house, secure nursing home.”
- One: “All medications available.”
- Other: “Side effects, quality of life priority.”
- One: “Activities, outings (maintaining social ties).”
- Other: “Fatigue, rest better.”
- Alzheimer’s’s training: Managing family and conflicts
- SCARLETT: Adapted cognitive stimulation
- Free guide to support people with Alzheimer’s’s
Treatments :
Stimulation :
Absence of information
One takes care daily : Sees reality (decline, dangers).
Others visit occasionally : Parent “have a good day” (false impression).
Discrepancy : Opposing perceptions (each thinks is right).
Emotion vs pragmatism
One emotionally attached : Heart decisions (“Promised never nursing home”).
Other pragmatic : Head decisions (“Safety before feelings”).
Conflict : Logic vs love (difficult to reconcile).
Resolving disagreements
Family meeting :
All present : Talk (no unilateral decisions).
Doctor present : Expert opinion (neutral).
Shared information :
Show reality : Notebook (incidents, forgetfulness, dangers).
Home visit : Those far see real conditions.
Compromise :
Trial period : “Let’s test staying at home for 3 months with help. We’ll reassess.”
Intermediate solution : Day care, 24/7 help.
Vote : If deadlock, majority decision (or guardian if designated).
—
Managing rivalries and old resentments {#rivalites}
Old wounds
Childhood :
Parental preferences : “Dad always preferred you.”
Perceived injustices : “You had your studies paid for, not me.”
Jealousies : Achievements, appearances, relationships.
Reactivation :
Alzheimer’s’s stress : Awakens buried pains.
Resurface : Old reproaches (off current topic).
Competition for affection
Who is the better child? :
One takes care more : Thinks deserves recognition.
Other : Feels judged (“I’m doing what I can!”).
Parent : Can express preferences (hurtful).
Toxic rivalry : Forgets goal = Help parent (not win competition).
Money and inheritance
Tensions :
One fears : Other takes advantage (parent’s money).
Suspicions : “Are you taking from his account?”
Anticipation of inheritance : Disputes before death (sordid).
Solution :
Transparency : Joint accounts (visibility of expenses).
Notary : Frame (avoid misappropriations).
Focus on present : “We’ll talk about inheritance later. Right now, we help Dad.”
Letting go of the past
Focus on present :
Past = Past : Changes nothing (useless to dwell).
Now matters : Parent needs help (united).
Forgive :
Not forget : But relegate to second plan.
Move forward : For parent (not for siblings, but for him/her).
Therapy :
If resentments too strong : Consult psychologist (help untangle).
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Communication: keys to family dialogue {#communication}
Establish rules
Regular meetings :
Frequency : Once a month (or more if needed).
Format : Video call if far, in-person if possible.
Agenda : Prepared (focus on efficiency).
Respect :
Do not interrupt.
No insults, personal attacks.
Listen (really) to others.
Use “I” instead of “you”
“You” accusatory :
“You never do anything!” → Defense, closure.
“You don’t care!” → Escalation.
“I” expresses feelings :
“I feel overwhelmed, I need help.” → Openness.
“I’m exhausted, can you take over this weekend?” → Clear request.
Effect : Less aggressive, fosters empathy.
Clarify expectations
Explicit needs :
Do not assume : “He should know.”
Say : “I expect you to come once a week” or “Handle this task.”
Specific : “Can you do the shopping on Saturday?” (not vague “help me”).
Avoid reproaches
Past = Past :
Dwelling : “Six months ago you didn’t come…” (useless).
Focus on present : “Now, how do we organize?”
Constructive :
Not : “You are useless.”
But : “How can we improve the situation?”
Recognize contributions
Even small ones :
Thank : “Thank you for calling Mom this week.”
Value : Encourage to continue.
Balance : Not just criticism (also positive).
Neutral mediation
If dialogue impossible :
Third party : Social worker, family mediator, psychologist.
Role : Facilitates communication (without judgment).
De-escalates : Tensions (safe speaking space).
—
Equitably distribute the burden {#repartir-charge}
Task inventory
List everything :
Daily care : Personal hygiene, meals, medications.
Logistics : Shopping, appointments, transportation.
Administrative : Papers, financial aid, insurance.
Supervision : Presence, security.
Emotional : Company, listening.
Visibility : Chart (all tasks = Actual burden).
Distribution according to abilities
Proximity :
Lives nearby : Frequent tasks (shopping, visits).
Far : Distant tasks (administrative, research).
Availability :
Part-time/retired : + presence.
Full-time work : Occasional tasks (weekends).
Skills :
A good administrator : Manages papers.
Another good cook : Prepares meals (freezes).
Health :
Physical limits : Adapted tasks (no heavy lifting).
Shared planning
Tools :
Google Calendar : Sharing (visits, appointments).
WhatsApp group : Communication (emergencies, info).
Excel sheet : Who does what, when.
Clarity : Everyone knows their role (no confusion).
Financial contributions
If one cannot contribute time :
Contributes money : Housekeeping, care, materials.
Fair : According to income.
Recognition : Contribution = Also valid (relieves primary caregiver).
Rotation of primary caregiver
Avoid burnout of one person :
Alternation : Weekends, weeks (if possible).
Regular respite : Primary caregiver = Break (essential for health).
Flexibility : Adjust according to disease progression.
—
Mediation and external help {#mediation}
When to resort to mediation?
Blocked conflicts :
Broken communication : No more dialogue.
Impossible decisions : Total deadlock.
Verbal violence : Insults, threats.
Exclusion : A family member excluded (decisions made without him/her).
Family mediator
Role :
Neutral : Not a judge, facilitates.
Listening : Each party (without judgment).
Solutions : Helps find compromise.
Where to find? :
Mediation services : Town halls, CAF.
Associations : France Médiation, APMF.
Consultation : 60-120€/session (sometimes free depending on income).
Social worker
Assesses situation :
Parent’s needs : Material, financial aid.
Caregiver burden : Proposes solutions (respite, aids).
Advice : Guides towards resources.
Contact :
CCAS : Community social action center.
Hospital : Social service.
Family psychologist
If deep resentments :
Family therapy : Untangles emotional knots.
Speaking space : Releases unspoken (tensions).
Reconstruction : Sibling bonds (if possible).
Guardian/curator
If parent unable to make decisions :
Protective measure : Judge appoints guardian.
Decisions : Guardian decides (avoids sibling conflicts).
Advantage : Relieves family (heavy decisions).
Disadvantage : Outside third party (less control).
—
Preserve bonds despite everything {#preserver-liens}
Accept differences
Everyone manages in their own way :
One cries (emotional).
Another pragmatic (cold appearance).
Respect : Do not judge (accept differences).
Focus on common goal
Parent = Priority :
Beyond disputes : Unite for him/her.
Reminder : “We do this for Dad/Mom” (refocuses).
Celebrate small victories
Positive moments :
Parent laughs : Enjoy together.
Successful organization : “We managed the appointment well.”
Strengthens : Sibling bond (share good moments, not just conflicts).
Maintain rituals
Despite illness :
Family meals : Continue (if possible).
Holidays : Birthdays, Christmas (adapt).
Memories : Look at photos, tell stories.
Bonds : Remember that we are family (before, during, after Alzheimer’s’s).
Forgiveness and reconciliation
If rupture :
Extend a hand : “I regret what was said.”
No eternal grudge : Life is short (do not waste it).
Compromise : Not a perfect agreement, but possible cohabitation.
Prepare afterwards
Parent will leave :
Will you stay : Siblings.
Avoid regrets : “If only we had talked.”
Act now : Preserve bond (for the future).
—
Testimonials
Sophie and her brothers
“Alzheimer’s’s Mom = War among us. Me overwhelmed, my brothers absent. Stormy family meeting: I broke down, cried, yelled. They shocked, unaware of the extent. We organized: Each takes 1 weekend/month, brother far away pays for help. Not perfect, but better. We communicate.”
Marc and his sister
“My sister wanted nursing home, I was categorical no. Conflict for 6 months, no more talking. Mediator helped: We really listened (first time). Compromise: Stay at home with help 24/7, reevaluation in 6 months. We talk again. The disease could have destroyed us, ultimately brought us closer (with difficulty).”
Claire and her brother
“My brother disappeared after diagnosis. Immense anger. 2 years of silence. Called him: ‘I need you.’ He admitted fear, not knowing what to do. We started from zero: Small tasks (shopping once a week). Now present. Not a hero, but there. That’s enough.”
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Conclusion: Siblings facing Alzheimer’s’s, between conflicts and solidarity
A parent’s Alzheimer’s’s tests the siblings. Conflicts erupt, resentments resurface, burdens unbalance. Yet, in this ordeal, an opportunity hides: to reconnect, to truly communicate, to repair old damages. Some bonds break, others strengthen. The essential remains the parent, and your own health. If the siblings unite, it’s a valuable support. If they remain divided, accept limits, protect yourself, move forward with those who stay. Fraternal love is not always up to par, but trying is better than breaking completely.
The keys to managing family conflicts:
1. ✅ Communicate clearly (no implicit expectations)
2. ✅ Distribute burden fairly (according to abilities)
3. ✅ Express needs (“I” rather than “You”)
4. ✅ Accept differences (everyone manages in their own way)
5. ✅ Seek mediation (if blocked)
6. ✅ Focus on common goal (parent)
7. ✅ Preserve bonds (for afterwards)
You are not alone. Our Alzheimer’s’s training helps families manage conflicts. SCARLETT relieves caregivers (stimulation for the parent). Free guide : All resources.
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DYNSEO resources to support you:
—
During the family meeting, voices rise. Accusations fly. You are exhausted, your brother on the defensive, your sister in tears. Then, a silence. Someone says: “We do this for Dad.” Eyes meet. Words soften. We don’t always love each other, but we unite for him. And in this fragile moment, the siblings find meaning.