Jealousy between siblings in adulthood is a delicate and often taboo subject. It is a volcano that one believes to be extinguished, but whose embers can be rekindled by life's trials, especially when it comes to caring for an aging parent. In these moments of tension, finding oneself in the middle of the conflict is an extremely uncomfortable position. How to navigate these troubled waters without taking sides? How to remain a pillar of stability when the sibling bond is tearing apart? Our experience in supporting families facing illness and dependency has taught us the crucial importance of neutrality. It is a skill that must be cultivated, a fragile balance that must be maintained for the well-being of all, and above all, for that of the concerned parent.
In this article, we will explore with you the mechanisms of this late jealousy and offer concrete avenues for adopting a neutral and constructive posture. We will share our approach, shaped by our training and the tools we develop to facilitate communication and ease tensions.
Before being able to act, it is essential to understand why these old rivalries, thought to be buried under years of adult life, resurface with such intensity. The situation of a parent losing autonomy acts as a powerful revealer, a catalyst that exposes wounds and inequalities that have never really healed.
Why do old quarrels resurface?
The sibling relationship is our first social laboratory. It is here that we learn to share, negotiate, and fight for our place. Each child develops a role: the responsible one, the rebel, the mediator, the youngest... In adulthood, these roles tend to fade, but in the face of a major family crisis like a parent's illness, old patterns reactivate. The one who has always been "the responsible one" may feel obliged to take everything on, harboring resentment towards others whom they perceive as less involved. Conversely, the "distant" sibling may feel judged and excluded from decisions, even if they wish to help in their own way.
The perception of parental love is also a key factor. The question "Who was the favorite?" may seem childish, but it lurks in the unconscious of many. A weakened parent may, unintentionally, show a preference for the child who is most physically present, or the one who best meets their immediate needs, thus rekindling feelings of injustice from childhood in the others.
The burden of care: the main catalyst for tensions
Organizing care for a dependent parent is undoubtedly the most common trigger for conflicts. The burden is rarely shared equally. There is often a "primary caregiver," usually the one who lives closest or who has a work situation perceived as more "flexible." This situation creates a major imbalance.
- The primary caregiver may feel exhausted, isolated, and unrecognized in their efforts. They may develop bitterness seeing their siblings "continuing their lives" while theirs is put on hold. Every missed call, every canceled visit from others is interpreted as a lack of love and respect.
- The other siblings may, on their side, feel guilty but also powerless. Geographic distance, professional or family obligations are real barriers. They may also feel criticized and excluded by the primary caregiver, who becomes the "gatekeeper" to the parent. Sometimes, to compensate for their physical absence, they try to manage financial or administrative aspects, which may be perceived by the primary caregiver as an attempt to "control" the situation from a distance without knowing the daily realities.
This imbalance between "doing" and "managing" is a huge source of misunderstandings and jealousy, where everyone feels they are carrying the heaviest burden.
Our approach: training to better understand and ease tensions
Here, we are convinced that to remain neutral, it is not enough to want it. One must acquire tools for understanding and communication. Neutrality is not indifference; it is an active posture aimed at protecting the relationship and focusing on what matters: the well-being of the person being helped. It is a philosophy that we apply and teach.
Training: a key to decoding family dynamics
Everything starts with knowledge. During our training session on how to care for Alzheimer’s patients, we dedicate a significant portion to managing the family environment. We have found that tensions among family caregivers (often the children) can be as harmful to the patient as the illness itself. A climate of ongoing conflict generates stress and anxiety in the elderly person, who senses negative emotions even if they no longer understand the cause of the disputes.
Our training helps to understand that many behaviors of the patient, which can be a source of disagreement among the children ("Mom only wants to eat with you," "Dad is aggressive with me but not with my sister"), are not whims but symptoms of the illness. By understanding this, one depersonalizes the conflict. It is no longer "Mom prefers you," but "Mom's illness makes her more comfortable with a routine that currently includes you." This technical knowledge allows for distance and responding to accusations with facts, calmly. To learn more about our support philosophy, you can check our approach here: https://www.dynseo.com/courses/stimuler-et-creer-du-lien-avec-les-jeux-dynseo/.
EDITH: Creating positive connections to short-circuit conflict
In the face of siblings who only communicate through reproaches, it is sometimes necessary to create a diversion, a neutral and positive space. This is the role played by our tablet programs. Let’s take the example of EDITH, our memory games for seniors. We designed these games to be more than just a cognitive stimulation tool. They are pretexts for relationships, bridges built between generations and caregivers.
Imagine a visit to your mother suffering from cognitive disorders. Instead of the conversation revolving around problems ("Did you take your medication?", "Why didn’t you call the doctor?"), which can lead to disagreements with your brother about the best way to handle things, you suggest a round of a general knowledge game on EDITH. Suddenly, the atmosphere changes. You are no longer in care and constraint, but in sharing and pleasure. You reminisce together about a song, you laugh at a silly answer. Your brother and you are no longer rivals clashing over the "right" way to care for your mother, but game partners collaborating to provide her with a good moment. These precious moments help rebuild complicity and remind everyone of the common goal: the parent's happiness.
MY DICTIONARY: Preventing misunderstandings that fuel jealousy
A large number of conflicts arise from a misinterpretation of the parent's needs. When a person suffers from cognitive disorders or aphasia, they struggle to clearly express what they feel. This is where our tool MY DICTIONARY makes perfect sense. It was designed to help seniors with communication difficulties explain their essential needs (I’m hungry, I’m thirsty, I’m in pain, I’m tired...) using simple images and pictograms.
Its usefulness in preventing sibling conflicts is direct. Let’s take a concrete case: a father does not want to put on his coat to go out. Son A insists, thinking he is cold and just stubborn. Daughter B thinks he is too warm and should be left alone. An argument breaks out, with each accusing the other of not understanding their father. With a tool like MY DICTIONARY, the father could have pointed to the image "I’m in pain" and then his shoulder. The problem was neither the cold, nor the heat, nor stubbornness, but a pain that made putting on a coat difficult. By giving the parent the means to express the real cause of their behavior, one cuts the ground from under interpretations and accusations. MY DICTIONARY becomes an objective translator, a trusted third party that brings the discussion back to facts rather than emotionally charged assumptions.
Concrete strategies to maintain neutrality
Beyond understanding and tools, managing daily tensions requires the implementation of clear communication strategies. Your role is not to be a judge or an arbitrator, but a facilitator, a beacon in the storm.
Practice active listening and reformulation
When one of your siblings calls you to complain about the other, the first temptation is to give your opinion or defend the absent person. This is a trap. The best approach is active listening. Let the person vent without interrupting them. Then, reformulate what you understood of their emotion, without judging the substance.
- Instead of saying: "You’re exaggerating, he’s doing what he can."
- Try saying: "If I understand correctly, you feel lonely and exhausted right now, and you feel like you’re not receiving enough support."
This reformulation shows that you have heard their suffering, not necessarily that you agree with their analysis. Validating the emotion often diffuses a large part of the anger.
Set clear and firm boundaries
Your mental health is a priority. You should not become the emotional sponge of the family. It is essential to set boundaries. You can do this with kindness but firmness. For example, if a phone conversation loops around reproaches, you can say: "I hear your anger/sadness, and it is legitimate. However, I am not the right person to resolve this conflict between you two. I suggest we discuss it all together at our next meeting. For now, let’s focus on what we can do concretely for mom today." This way, you refuse the role of arbitrator while proposing a constructive solution.
Organizing communication to avoid unspoken issues
Most jealousies are rooted in poor communication, where information circulates poorly and assumptions take precedence over facts. To remain neutral, you must become the promoter of transparent and organized communication.
Establish regular communication points
Rather than letting frustrations accumulate, organize regular "family councils." This can be a phone call or a weekly video conference, or a monthly physical meeting. The goal is to create a dedicated space and time to discuss care organization, financial questions, and, above all, for everyone to express their feelings. A simple agenda can help structure the discussion and prevent it from going in all directions:
- Updates on the parent's health (based on the latest medical advice).
- Update on the visiting schedule and assistance for the upcoming week/month.
- Financial and administrative questions.
- Roundtable: how does everyone feel? What are the needs?
Having a formal framework allows for addressing topics in a more factual and less emotional manner.
Use a shared communication tool
A discussion group on a messaging app, a shared online calendar, or even a simple communication notebook at the parent's home can work wonders. The idea is to centralize information so that everyone is on the same page. When the report from the doctor’s visit is shared with everyone at the same time, it avoids "I was told that..." and suspicions of information withholding. It is a transparency tool that is, by nature, neutral.
Knowing when to pass the baton
Despite all your efforts, there are times when conflicts are so deep and so old that your neutrality is no longer sufficient. Tensions can become so intense that they exhaust you and, worse, harm the parent you are trying to protect. In these cases, the wisest and most courageous decision is to recognize your limits.
The option of family mediation
When a sibling group is at a complete impasse, calling in a professional family mediator can be a lifesaving solution. This neutral third party, trained in conflict management, can provide a secure framework where everyone can express themselves without fear of being judged. The mediator does not provide ready-made solutions, but helps siblings restore dialogue and find an acceptable compromise for all. Proposing this option is not an admission of failure; it is, on the contrary, a testament to your commitment to finding a sustainable solution for the family's well-being.
Protecting your own health above all
Never forget that to take care of others, you must first take care of yourself. Being in the middle of a family conflict is extremely draining emotionally. If you feel that the situation is overwhelming you, that you are losing sleep, becoming anxious or irritable, it is time to step back. Talk to your partner, trusted friends, or a healthcare professional. Sometimes, the best way to help is to temporarily withdraw from the heart of the conflict to preserve your energy and ability to be an effective caregiver for your parent. Your role is to help, not to sacrifice yourself.
Remaining neutral in family tensions is a balancing act. It requires patience, empathy, firmness, and great clarity about the dynamics at play. By training yourself, using tools that promote connection and communication, and implementing clear strategies, you can become that stable anchor point your family needs so much. You may not resolve decades of rivalry, but you can greatly contribute to ensuring that siblings focus on what matters: accompanying your parent with love and serenity in this stage of their life.
In the article "Jealousy between siblings: remaining neutral in family tensions," it is essential to understand how to navigate complex family dynamics to maintain harmony. A related topic that may interest parents is the importance of innovation in family activities to strengthen bonds and reduce tensions. In this regard, the article Innovation Fam explores how creative approaches can transform family interactions and offer solutions for better cohesion. By integrating innovative activities, families can not only mitigate sibling rivalries but also foster a more collaborative and joyful environment.
