Accepting That It’s Hard: Letting Go of Parental Guilt

Where does this guilt come from?

Society's unrealistic expectations

Society conveys images of perfect parenting:

• Always patient parents

• Well-behaved and thriving children

• A harmonious family

• A smooth and joyful daily life

Faced with this unrealistic norm, any deviation generates guilt.

Comparisons

You compare yourself:

• To parents of neurotypical children

• To other parents of autistic children who "seem" to manage better

• To the image of the perfect parent you had of yourself

These comparisons are toxic and unfair.

The search for causality

Our brain seeks explanations. Faced with the child's difficulties, it is tempting to ask "what did I do wrong?" even when the answer is "nothing".

Comments from others

Comments, even well-intentioned, can fuel guilt:

• "You should be firmer"

• "If I were you, I would..."

• "It's because you..."

The myth of the "healing parent"

Some approaches suggest that with the right methods, the right therapists, the right attitude, autism can be "corrected". If it doesn't work, it's because you didn't do what was needed...

This belief is false and toxic. Autism is not a defect to be corrected, and you are not responsible for "curing" your child.

What you are NOT responsible for

Your child's autism

You did nothing to make your child autistic. Autism is a neurodevelopmental condition whose causes are primarily genetic and biological. Nothing in your behavior during pregnancy or after birth caused autism.

Your child's neurological functioning

You are not responsible for:

• Their sensory sensitivity

• Their communication difficulties

• Their need for routines

• Their mode of information processing

These are neurological characteristics, not consequences of your parenting.

Meltdowns

Meltdowns are not a sign that you are a bad parent. They are the manifestation of an overwhelmed nervous system. Even the best parents, with the best strategies, cannot prevent all meltdowns.

The looks and judgments of others

The stares from people in the supermarket when your child has a meltdown are not your responsibility. It's their ignorance, not your failure.

The gap with your initial dreams

You may have dreamed of a certain family life. Reality is different. This difference is no one's fault.

Distinguishing toxic guilt from healthy responsibility

Toxic guilt

It is:

• Diffuse and constant

• Centered on what you are ("I'm a bad parent")

• Paralyzing

• Self-destructive

• Based on impossible standards

Healthy responsibility

It is:

• Specific and occasional

• Centered on what you do ("that reaction wasn't ideal")

• Mobilizing

• Constructive

• Based on realistic standards

Toxic guilt: "I'm terrible, I yelled at my child again, I don't deserve to be a mother."

Healthy responsibility: "I yelled, that wasn't ideal. I'll think about how to do it differently next time."

Accepting that it's objectively difficult

Naming the reality

Being a parent of an autistic child IS difficult. This is not a value judgment about your child it's a fact. Some things are more complicated:

• Daily routines

• Outings and travel

• Social interactions

• Managing meltdowns

• Mental load

• Access to care and education

• Impact on professional and couple life

Acknowledging this difficulty is not complaining it's being realistic.

Stop comparing

Your situation is not that of others. You cannot compare yourself:

• To parents of neurotypical children (they don't have the same challenges)

• To other parents of autistic children (every child is different, every family situation is unique)

• To the Instagram image of the perfect family (that's not reality)

Recognizing your efforts

You do an enormous amount of things, every day:

• You constantly adapt

• You learn about autism

• You search for solutions

• You advocate for your child

• You hold on despite fatigue

These efforts deserve to be recognized by yourself first of all.

Strategies for letting go of guilt

Identifying guilt-inducing thoughts

The first step is to spot the thoughts that make you feel guilty:

• "I should have..."

• "If I had been..."

• "It's my fault if..."

• "I'm not good enough"

Questioning these thoughts

For each guilt-inducing thought, ask yourself:

• Is this really true?

• Do I really have control over this?

• What would a caring friend say?

• Would I have this thought about another parent in the same situation?

Talking to yourself like you would to a friend

We are often much harder on ourselves than we are on others. Try to talk to yourself as you would talk to a friend in the same situation:

Instead of: "I'm terrible, I yelled again"

Try: "It's normal to be at the end of your rope sometimes. You're doing your best in a difficult situation."

Recognizing what's going well

Guilt makes us focus on what's not working. Take time to recognize what is working:

• Moments of connection with your child

• Small victories

• What you've learned and implemented

• Progress, even small

Accepting imperfection

You are not perfect. No one is. And you don't need to be to be a good parent. Imperfection is part of life.

Seeking support

Talking about your guilt with others (partner, friend, professional, parent group) can help put it in perspective.

The work of grieving

Grieving the imagined child

Before birth, you may have imagined a certain child, a certain family life. Autism has changed that image. Grieving that imagined child is a necessary and painful process.

This grieving is not a rejection of your real child it's acceptance that reality is different from what you had imagined.

Grieving the imagined parent

You may have imagined being a certain type of parent. Reality has confronted you with other challenges. Accepting that you are not the parent you had imagined is also a grieving process.

Grieving is not failure

Feeling sadness, anger, disappointment about this difference is not a lack of love for your child. It's a normal human reaction to the gap between expectations and reality.

Cultivating self-compassion

What is self-compassion?

Self-compassion consists of:

1. Recognizing your suffering without minimizing it

2. Treating yourself with kindness rather than judgment

3. Recognizing shared humanity (you are not alone in experiencing difficulties)

Practicing self-compassion

• When you make a mistake, remind yourself that everyone does

• When it's difficult, acknowledge that it's objectively difficult

• Talk to yourself gently rather than harshly

Self-compassion is not self-indulgence

Being compassionate toward yourself doesn't mean absolving yourself of all responsibility. It's recognizing your difficulties while continuing to do your best.

Using tools to reduce the burden

The more equipped you are, the less reason you have to feel guilty about "not doing well enough".

The COCO THINKS and COCO MOVES program from DYNSEO helps you offer your child quality educational activities, even when you're exhausted. You don't have to invent everything yourself. Discover COCO THINKS and COCO MOVES.

The Mon Dico application from DYNSEO facilitates communication, reducing frustrations. Fewer meltdowns = less guilt. Discover Mon Dico.

Getting trained

The training "Supporting a child with autism: keys and solutions for everyday life" gives you concrete strategies. The more you know what to do, the less you doubt yourself. Enroll now.

Our training "Autism: Managing Difficult Situations in Daily Life" equips you for difficult moments, reducing feelings of helplessness. Discover this training.

Conclusion: you deserve peace

The guilt you carry is an unnecessary burden. It doesn't help you be a better parent it exhausts and undermines you.

Key points to remember:

• You are not responsible for your child's autism

• Being a parent of an autistic child IS objectively difficult

• You are doing your best in a demanding situation

• Imperfection is human and acceptable

• Self-compassion is not self-indulgence

• Tools and training can reduce doubt

Give yourself permission to be human. Give yourself permission not to be perfect. Give yourself permission to do your best without that best being perfect.

Your child doesn't need a perfect parent. They need a present, loving parent who takes care of themselves.

At DYNSEO, we support you with tools and training that support your parental role. But beyond the tools, we want to tell you: you are doing remarkable work. You deserve inner peace.