When a parent has cancer: the complete guide to understanding what is happening
When a parent has cancer, it is not just one life that is shaken, but an entire family balance. The diagnosis comes in a hospital corridor or over the phone, and in a few words, daily life is reorganized around a word that no one had invited: the illness. The sick parent must absorb the news, understand the treatments, and hold on. The spouse becomes a caregiver overnight. And the children perceive that something has changed long before anyone tells them a word.
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This article takes the time to explain what is really happening in these situations: what the word “cancer” encompasses, how treatments resonate in family life, what children understand according to their age, what research has established, and what really helps. It is not a medical guide: it does not replace the oncologist, the psychologist, or the social worker. It is a guide to understand, in order to better live through what you are going through and to better support those around you.
The essentials in 30 seconds
When a parent has cancer, the illness does not only affect one body: it shifts roles, disrupts references, and also concerns children, who feel everything even without words. Understanding what is happening helps to navigate the ordeal with more accuracy.
- The word “cancer” — it does not refer to a single disease but to dozens of very different situations, with very varied prognoses and treatments. A cancer today is not what it was thirty years ago.
- What changes — beyond the body, it is the family roles, organization, fatigue, mood, and sometimes the appearance of the parent that evolve. Children perceive this immediately.
- Children — they do not understand the illness like adults do, but they pick up on silences. According to the National Cancer Institute and the League Against Cancer, silence does not protect: it isolates.
- The journey — announcement, assessment, treatments, monitoring: each step has its own logic and impact on family life.
- What helps — true words appropriate to the age, maintained references, and not being alone. For any signs of lasting suffering, one should consult a healthcare professional.
When a parent has cancer: what are we talking about?
The word “cancer” is frightening, partly because it is too broad. It does not refer to a single disease, but to a family of diseases that share a common underlying mechanism and differ in almost every other aspect: the affected organ, the rate of progression, the treatments, the prognosis, the impact on daily life. An early detected skin cancer and an advanced cancer have, in reality, almost nothing in common in the experience of a family.
Biologically, a cancer arises when cells in the body start to multiply chaotically, disregarding the signals that normally limit their growth. Imagine a city where a few residents stop following the traffic code and multiply endlessly: at first, nothing is visible; then traffic becomes disordered locally; and if nothing stops the phenomenon, it can spread to other neighborhoods. Cancer treatments aim precisely to stop this proliferation and prevent it from spreading.
What is important to remember, when you are a family and not a caregiver, is that no cancer is like another. Comparing your situation to that of a neighbor, a colleague, or a story read on the internet is almost always a source of unnecessary anxiety. Only the medical team that follows your loved one knows their specific case: the type of cancer, its stage, its response to treatments.
The “stage”, explained simply
You will often hear about “stage”. It is a way for doctors to describe the extent of the disease at the time of diagnosis: the size of the tumor, whether it has remained localized or spread to other areas. The earlier cancer is detected, the more localized it generally is, and the more treatment options are available. This is the whole logic of screening: to detect before the disease has spread.
But be careful not to turn the stage into a verdict. Two people at the same stage can have very different outcomes because other factors come into play: the specific type of cells, the response to treatments, the general condition. The stage guides the strategy, it does not dictate a person's future. It is a map, not a prophecy. When children ask questions, it is neither necessary nor useful to detail a stage to them: it is better to talk to them about what is happening concretely, and what the doctors are doing to help.
A word that has changed a lot
Very diverse diseases
Each cancer has its location, its pace, and its treatment logic. Two people with “cancer” can have radically different journeys.
Considerable progress
According to the National Cancer Institute (INCa), survival rates have significantly improved for many cancers over the past few decades, thanks to screening and treatments.
Increasingly more care in the community
Many treatments are now done on an outpatient basis or at home. The sick parent spends less time hospitalized, but the family is more on the front lines.
This evolution changes everything for families. A few decades ago, cancer was often experienced in the hospital, far from home and children. Today, a significant part of the journey takes place at home, between two treatments, with side effects to manage daily and children who see their parent tired, transformed, sometimes absent. This is good news from a medical standpoint, but it shifts some of the burden onto the family.
Every year in France, several hundred thousand new cases of cancer are diagnosed, according to the National Cancer Institute. Many of these people are parents of children still at home. In other words: if you are going through this situation, you are neither alone nor an exception. It is a massively shared ordeal, which also explains the wealth of resources and support that exist.
What is really at stake: the disease, the treatments, the family
To understand what a family is going through, it is necessary to distinguish three intertwined levels: what the disease does, what the treatments do, and what all of this produces in everyday life. We often focus on the first, while it is often the other two that weigh the most on a daily basis.
The disease itself
Depending on the location and stage, cancer can be completely silent at first, or cause symptoms that led to the diagnosis: fatigue, pain, weight loss, bleeding, lump felt upon palpation. The sick parent often experiences a strange period: they do not necessarily feel "sick" at the time of the announcement, which makes the news even more disorienting, for them as well as for their children who see nothing visible.
The treatments and their effects
This is often where family life shifts most concretely. The major types of treatments each have their logic and impact. The table below summarizes them in general; only the healthcare team can say which ones concern your loved one and at what pace.
| Type of treatment | General principle | What the family can observe |
|---|---|---|
| Surgery | Remove the tumor and sometimes the surrounding tissues | Hospitalization, recovery period, sometimes a scar or a change in the body |
| Chemotherapy | Medications that target rapidly dividing cells | Fatigue in waves, nausea, possible hair loss, decreased defenses, fluctuating mood |
| Radiotherapy | Targeted rays on a specific area | Repeated sessions, fatigue that sets in, local reactions on the skin |
| Targeted therapies and immunotherapy | More recent treatments acting on specific mechanisms | Variable side effects, often in pills or infusions, close monitoring |
| Hormone therapy | Slow down the action of certain hormones | Long treatment, sometimes lasting effects on energy and mood |
| Supportive care | Accompany, relieve, preserve quality of life | Pain management, fatigue, morale, nutrition |
An essential point for those around: side effects are not a sign that "things are going badly". They are often the expected counterpart of effective treatments. A child who sees their parent lose their hair or vomit after a treatment may believe that the disease is worsening, while it is the treatment that is acting. Saying it in simple words avoids many silent anxieties.
The impact on the family
This is the least visible level and yet the most permanent. When a parent has cancer, the family undergoes a profound reorganization: roles shift, the spouse often juggles work, logistics, and support, grandparents step in, and the eldest sometimes takes on responsibilities too heavy for their age. Fatigue, both financial and moral, sets in over time. The parent's illness becomes the concern of the entire household, whether it is acknowledged or not.
Time, Money, Work
Three concrete pressures often add to the illness, and it's better to name them than to endure them in silence. The time first: appointments, treatments, trips to the hospital now mark the weeks, encroaching on work, children's activities, and ordinary moments. The money next: between potential drops in income, additional expenses, and reorganization, the family budget can become tight. The work finally: the sick parent and the caregiver sometimes have to adjust their activity, with all the questions this raises.
On these subjects, there are dedicated interlocutors, and one should not hesitate to reach out to them early: the social worker from the oncology department, associations like the League Against Cancer, occupational health services. Many families discover too late the aids or adjustments they were entitled to. Logistics and procedures are the subject of a dedicated article in this series; the essential point here is to remember one principle: these material difficulties are not details, they weigh on the morale of the whole family, and they can, to a large extent, be alleviated when help is sought.
A simple rule, formulated by psychologists, helps to avoid adding pain to pain: the person at the center — here the sick parent — has the right to express everything; others offer their support towards the center and unload their own anxieties outward, never towards those who are more affected than they are. In practice: one does not burden someone more fragile than oneself with their tears. They are entrusted to someone from a circle further away from the center.
What Children Perceive, Age by Age
Children are never just spectators. Even very young, they pick up on changes in tone, the silences that settle in, the looks that turn away. But what they understand, and especially what they make of it, closely depends on their age. The same event will be interpreted very differently by a four-year-old and a fifteen-year-old.
Understanding these differences is not a theoretical luxury: it allows for choosing the right words at the right time. The League Against Cancer and many pediatric oncology and psycho-oncology services emphasize this point: the message is adapted to the age, it is not removed.
| Age | What they understand | What they often express | What they need |
|---|---|---|---|
| Toddler (0-3 years) | Few words, but they feel the tensions and absences | Crying, sleep disturbances, regression (potty training, language) | Stability of references, reassuring presence, hugs |
| Child (4-6 years) | “Magical” thinking: they may believe they are responsible | Direct questions, fears of abandonment, nightmares | True and simple words, being explicitly relieved of guilt |
| Child (7-11 years) | Understands the seriousness, interested in causes and details | Precise questions, worry, sometimes too much seriousness | Honest information, right to continue playing and living |
| Adolescent (12 years and older) | Understands like an adult, measures the stakes | Withdrawal, anger, or on the contrary hyper-responsibility | Being involved without being parentified, keeping their teenage life |
The “Magical Thinking” of the Youngest
Before about seven years old, a child may be convinced that their thoughts or anger have real power over the world. “I told mom I hated her, and now she is sick.” This logic, absurd to an adult, is perfectly coherent in their mind. Hence the importance of saying clearly:
« Mom's illness is nobody's fault. It's not because of you, it's not because of something you said or did. You don't catch it like a cold, and you can't give it to us. »
❌ To avoid : « Don't worry, everything is fine » when it is clearly not the case. The child perceives the contradiction between the words and the atmosphere, and stops trusting what they are told.
The teenager : understanding without bearing
The teenager understands the situation almost like an adult, but they lack the resources and perspective of an adult. Two opposing pitfalls await them : withdrawal — they escape to their room, their screens, their friends, which is not indifference but a form of protection — and conversely, hyper-responsibility, where they become the second parent of the household, manage the younger ones, and give up their outings. This phenomenon, called parentification, starts from a good intention but can leave lasting scars.
« Your help means a lot to us, and I thank you. But it's not your role to bear all this. You have the right to go out, see your friends, think about something else. Taking care of yourself doesn't mean abandoning us. »
How to start the conversation
There is no perfect formula, but some guidelines help not to feel helpless when it's time to talk. The idea is not to give a grand speech, but to open a door that the child can cross at their own pace.
- Choose a calm moment. Not just before school or in the middle of a fight : a time when you can remain available afterward, without being rushed.
- Name the illness. Use the word « cancer » rather than a vague term. What the child cannot name, they cannot tame. A precise word reassures more than a secret.
- Say the essentials, simply. What will concretely change in their daily life : who will pick them up, why dad or mom will be tired, what will remain the same.
- De-stigmatize. Reiterate that it is nobody's fault, especially not theirs, and that it is not contagious.
- Leave room for questions. Answer what is asked, without anticipating. A child often asks a small question, digests it, and then comes back later. You don't need to say everything at once.
- Keep the door open. Conclude with an opening statement : « You can always come back to talk to me about it, even later. »
It is perfectly normal to cry in front of your child, or not to have all the answers. A parent who says « I don't know, but we will find out together » conveys something precious : you can be shaken and still be reliable. What children remember is not the perfection of the speech, but the sincerity of the relationship.
Finding the right words, at every age
The DYNSEO training « When a parent has cancer : supporting their children in the face of illness » covers all this in 16 short lessons : how to announce, answer difficult questions, maintain references, avoid parentification, and take care of oneself. 100 % online, at your own pace, unlimited access.
Discover the training — 20 €DYNSEO Training — When a parent has cancer
16 lessons · 100 % online · unlimited access · at your own pace · 20 €. Certified organization Qualiopi (N° 11757351875), certificate of completion issued. Designed for families and caregivers, with no medical prerequisites. It does not replace health professionals : it gives you the language and references to support your children on a daily basis.
Recognizing the signals of suffering
All children react to a parent's cancer: this is normal, and it is not a problem in itself. A child who is sad, worried, or sometimes angry about their father's or mother's illness is going through a healthy reaction to a difficult situation. The question is not "are they reacting?" but "is this reaction becoming established, worsening, or preventing them from living?"
In children and adolescents
Sleep and body
Repeated nightmares, difficulties falling asleep, frequent stomach or head aches without medical cause, return of enuresis in a younger child.
School and concentration
Decline in results, attention difficulties, refusal to go to class. The child is sometimes "elsewhere," their mind full of what is happening at home.
Withdrawal or aggression
A child who isolates themselves for a long time, stops seeing their friends, or on the contrary becomes irritable and oppositional. Two faces of the same distress.
Hyper-maturity
A child who is "too wise," too responsible, who never complains and takes care of everyone: a signal not to be confused with an easy-going character.
None of these signs, isolated and temporary, are alarming. It is their duration, their intensity, and their effect on the child's life that should lead to discussing them with a professional: the primary care physician, the pediatrician, the school psychologist, or the psycho-oncology service that follows the parent.
Some signals justify quickly seeking a healthcare professional: statements where the child says they want to disappear or no longer exist, complete isolation, stopping eating, actions that expose them to danger, deep and continuous sadness that never subsides. In these cases, one should not stay alone: talk to the primary care physician or the pediatrician, and in case of immediate danger, contact emergency services in your country.
Do not forget the caregiver
The spouse, or the parent who is not ill, is often the great forgotten one. They handle everything: work, home, care logistics, the morale of the children, and their own last. The exhaustion of the caregiver is a phenomenon recognized by associations such as the League Against Cancer: it is not a lack of courage, but a normal wear and tear of an organism pushed beyond its limits. The signs resemble those of a suffering child: sleep disorders, irritability, feeling overwhelmed, easy tears, loss of interest.
The airplane image is accurate: you put on your oxygen mask before helping your child put on theirs. An exhausted caregiver can no longer support anyone. Accepting help, delegating, allowing oneself moments of respite, talking to a professional: these are not weaknesses, they are conditions for enduring in the long run.
Common misconceptions, debunked one by one
Many beliefs circulate around cancer, and they weigh heavily on families. Some date back to a bygone era of medicine; others are shortcuts that do more harm than good. Here are the most frequent ones, confronted with what professionals say today.
| The misconception | True ? | What you need to know |
|---|---|---|
| “Cancer = condemnation” | No | Many cancers are well treatable, especially when detected early. Each case is unique: only the doctor can speak about prognosis. |
| “It’s better to hide the illness from children” | No | Silence does not protect: it leaves the child alone with an imagination often more frightening than reality. |
| “Cancer is contagious” | No | You do not catch cancer like a cold. This is a phrase to say explicitly to young children. |
| “It’s their fault, they lived poorly” | No | Risk factors exist, but cancer also occurs in people with impeccable lifestyles. Guilt helps no one. |
| “You must stay positive to heal” | No | No evidence that morale heals cancer. This injunction especially prevents expressing fear and sadness, which are legitimate. |
| “Children forget quickly” | No | They do not forget: they store what they do not understand. What is not said often resurfaces later. |
| “You must protect the child by keeping them away” | No | Being kept away feeds the feeling of abandonment. The child needs to be involved, to their measure, in what their family is experiencing. |
“ Stay positive ” : the injunction that hurts
This may be the most delicate. Telling a sick parent, or their children, that “ you have to believe in it ” and “ stay cheerful ” comes from a good intention. But this imposed positive thinking has a perverse effect : it implicitly forbids feeling afraid, being tired, crying. Yet these emotions are not only normal, they are useful : they allow one to digest the ordeal. The right posture is not to be positive at all costs, but to make room for all emotions, including the darkest ones, without shame.
For a child, hearing their parent say “ I’m afraid sometimes, me too, and that’s normal ” is infinitely more reassuring than a facade smile. It allows them to feel what they feel, and teaches them that one can be afraid and stand tall at the same time.
What research says and what professionals recommend
Today, there is a real body of knowledge on how families go through a parent's cancer. Psycho-oncology, a discipline dedicated to psychological support in oncology, has produced solid guidelines, relayed in France by the National Cancer Institute, the League Against Cancer, and hospital services. Three main lessons emerge, and they are directly useful to a family.
1. The adapted truth is better than silence
This is the most consistent point. Professionals agree : informed children, with words adjusted to their age, generally fare better than those kept in the dark. The secret, even well-intentioned, generates anxiety : the child senses that something is being hidden from them, imagines the worst, and feels excluded from their family's life. Informing is not about saying everything : it’s about saying the essentials, honestly, and remaining available for questions.
2. Daily routines are protective
Maintaining routines as much as possible — meal times, bedtime, activities, school — acts as a stabilizer. When part of life becomes unpredictable, what remains stable reassures. This does not mean acting as if nothing is happening : it means preserving islands of normality in the midst of the storm. Continuing to go to soccer, see friends, laugh : this is not disrespecting the illness, it’s staying alive.
3. Connection and support make a difference
Families that do not stay alone go through the ordeal better. Support can be medical, associative, educational, familial, or friendly. There are specialized resources : psycho-oncology consultations, patient associations, support groups, social services. Seeking help is not an admission of failure : it’s a strategy that research associates with a better experience, for the sick parent as well as for the children.
4. What is said at school helps the child
A child spends a large part of their days in class, and school is often the place where signs of difficulty are first observed. Informing the teacher, or the institution, about what the family is going through — without going into medical details — allows for compassionate attention : understanding a drop in concentration, an outburst of tears, unusual fatigue. Professionals agree on this point : the child should not have to carry alone, between two classmates, a secret that is too heavy for them. Knowing that an adult at school is aware and available can make a real difference.
A nuance, however : it is about informing, not labeling. The goal is not for the child to become “ the one whose parent is sick ” in everyone's eyes, but for them to benefit, discreetly, from a compassionate gaze. It is up to them, according to their age, to decide what they wish to share with their peers.
The fatigue related to certain treatments can affect the concentration and memory of the parent — a phenomenon sometimes referred to as “ fog ”. Gentle stimulation activities, like those in the CLINT app, can provide a pleasant support, to be adapted according to the energy of the moment and always in addition — never instead — of medical follow-up. The DYNSEO cognitive tests allow for an initial assessment.
The major stages of the journey : what to expect
Each journey is unique, but most follow a comparable framework. Knowing these stages in advance alleviates some of the anxiety of the unknown and helps explain to children what will happen without catching them off guard.
- The announcement. A moment often stunning, where little is retained. It is common not to understand everything : this is normal, and one has the right to ask again. Many services offer a dedicated announcement time and the presence of a coordinating nurse.
- The assessment. A series of exams to specify the type of cancer, its extent, and the best treatment. This is a heavy waiting period, where one knows there is a problem without yet knowing how it will be treated.
- The consultation meeting. Several specialists decide together on the most suitable treatment plan. The parent then receives a proposal for a personalized program.
- The treatments. Surgery, chemotherapy, radiotherapy, or others, alone or combined, over weeks or months. This is the longest and most challenging phase for family life.
- The end of treatments. An ambivalent moment : relief, but also emptiness and anxiety, as close support lightens. Many families do not expect this.
- The monitoring. Regular consultations to check for the absence of recurrence. This period, called “ post-cancer ”, has its own difficulty : relearning to live without the disease occupying all the space.
A point that families often discover late : the end of treatments is not the end of the ordeal. The body is tired, the fear of recurrence sets in, and the surroundings, believing the page has turned, can sometimes be less present when the parent still needs support. Knowing this allows one to anticipate this void and not interpret it as a failure.
For children, these stages are not experienced at the same pace as by adults. A child may seem relieved at the end of treatments and, a few weeks later, express an anxiety that they had set aside during the most intense phase. This is common : as long as the house is in “ emergency mode ”, many emotions remain on hold ; they resurface once calm returns. It is useful to know this so as not to be surprised that a child “ is not doing well ” at a time when, objectively, the situation is improving. Again, maintaining availability and, if necessary, relying on a professional helps support this emotional setback without dramatizing it.
No article, no loved one, no internet research can predict the progression of a specific cancer. Only the medical team caring for your loved one has the information to discuss prognosis, and even then with reservations. Beware of the “rates” found online: they describe groups, not your loved one. For any questions about their condition, illness, or treatments, consult their doctor.
What really helps, what is useless
At the end of this overview, we can sort what concretely supports a family from what exhausts or misleads it. Here is a summary, valid for the sick parent, the caregiving spouse, and the children.
| ✅ What helps | ❌ What does not help |
|---|---|
| True words, adapted to each child's age | Silence “to protect,” or half-words that worry more than they reassure |
| Maintain daily routines and landmarks | Suspending everything and making illness the only topic in the house |
| Explicitly relieve the child of guilt | Assuming that “they understand well” that it is not their fault |
| Welcome all emotions, including fear and anger | Imposing positive thinking and forbidding tears |
| Involve the child without assigning adult responsibilities | Letting the eldest become the second parent (parentification) |
| Ask for help early: doctor, psychologist, associations | Holding on alone until exhaustion “because one must be strong” |
| Rely on supportive care and psycho-oncology | Trusting “miracle methods” and protocols sold online |
| Take care of oneself as a caregiver, allow for respite | Believing that taking care of oneself means abandoning their loved one |
One thing costs nothing and changes everything: availability. There is no need to have the right answer to every child's question. What matters is to remain an open door: “I don’t know everything, but you can always come talk to me, and we will look for answers together.” This phrase, repeated over time, is often worth more than all the prepared speeches.
To go further
This guide explains what is at stake when a parent has cancer. Four other articles in this series delve into each specific aspect:
Everyday situations10 difficult everyday situations when a parent has cancer, and how to respond
ToolboxActivities, resources, and concrete arrangements to implement for children
Support & contactsWho to turn to, what support to mobilize, and how to endure over time
On the side of free resources, the DYNSEO tools catalog offers printable resources, such as a child's word notebook to help them express what they feel, or a visual tracking chart to objectify what is changing. The cognitive tests allow for an initial assessment, and the application CLINT provides gentle stimulation support for adults when fatigue weighs on concentration.
Frequently asked questions
Should I really tell a young child that their parent has cancer?
Yes, with words appropriate to their age. The National Cancer Institute and the League Against Cancer are clear: silence does not protect the child, it isolates them and leaves them to imagine the worst. A toddler does not need medical details, but they need to know that something is happening, that it is not their fault, and that adults are taking care of everything. The message should be adapted to the age, not omitted. The essential thing is to remain honest and available for the questions that will come, often in small touches, in the days and weeks that follow.
How to respond when my child asks: “Are you going to die?”
This is a common and distressing question. We avoid both extremes: the false promise (“never, I swear”) and brutality. A proper response acknowledges the fear and remains honest: “It’s a serious illness, and the doctors are doing everything to treat me. I am sometimes afraid too. Right now, we are fighting, and I will always tell you the truth.” We focus on the present rather than impossible certainties. If the question keeps coming back or generates strong anxiety, talking to a professional — pediatrician, psychologist, psycho-oncology — helps a lot.
My child seems to be doing very well, is that worrying?
Not necessarily, but it deserves attention. Some children react later, others mask their worries so as not to burden already tested parents — sometimes by becoming “too well-behaved.” A child who shows nothing is not necessarily a child who feels nothing. The important thing is to keep the door open, without forcing: regularly reminding them that they can talk whenever they want, observing their sleep, school, and relationships. If the apparent calm is accompanied by withdrawal, sleep disturbances, or a lasting drop in academic performance, it is useful to talk to a professional.
Is a parent's cancer hereditary? Do my children risk having it?
The vast majority of cancers are not hereditary. A small portion is linked to transmissible genetic predispositions, which are subject to specific monitoring. Only a genetic oncology consultation, based on medical indication, can assess any familial risk: no article can do this remotely. It is also important to reassure the children: you do not catch cancer like a cold, and the fact that a parent is sick does not mean they will be. For any specific concerns, the treating physician or the team caring for your loved one is the right contact.
How to cope as a caregiver without collapsing?
By accepting that you cannot carry everything alone. Caregiver burnout is a recognized phenomenon: it does not stem from a lack of courage, but from normal wear and tear. Specifically: delegate what can be delegated, accept the help offered, preserve short moments of respite, and keep a space to talk — to a close friend or a professional, to an association. Taking care of yourself is not selfish: a burnt-out caregiver can no longer support anyone. The social services of oncology departments and associations like the League Against Cancer can guide you.
This article is intended for general information. It does not replace a diagnosis, medical advice, treatment, or psychological support. For any questions regarding a personal situation — illness, treatments, prognosis, or a child's suffering — consult your treating physician, the oncology team, or a psychologist. In case of immediate danger, contact the emergency services in your country.
Moving from understanding to the right words
You now know what is at stake when a parent has cancer. The DYNSEO training translates this entire guide into gestures and concrete phrases to support your children: 16 short lessons, 100% online, unlimited access, at your own pace. Certified organization Qualiopi (N° 11757351875), certificate of completion.
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